It's amusing to look back on things with hindsight being closer to 20/20. I can look back on my family life and I can draw lines from major events to scars that cover my heart. If you pinned each line I think you would end up with a tangled mess.
Here are just a few highlights. My mom was the only constant in my life growing up. She met my stepdad, got married and I was mentally adopted into the family. They were nice enough and I felt loved as a child most days. My mom had a best friend who had a daughter my age and we became like sisters just as our moms did. Their family adopted me into their family as one of theirs no Family was defined in my eyes as a child. Around the age of 11 my Nana and Papa died, they had lived with us for some time and the loss was tough on the entire house. Around the age of 12 my stepdad left. He was the only dad I ever knew, the one who carried me in the house when I fell asleep in the car, who cleaned my scraps, who taught me soccer and gave me piggy back rides. Suddenly he was gone. He didn't come around for a while, and when he did he would take my two sisters and leave me behind. It was hurtful and I didn't understand it at the time.
I learned that I had another father. My biological father, I would day dream about what a kind and wonderful man he would be, like a prince. I watched a lot of Disney growing up. I seemed to have forgotten the fact that he never came to see me, or if he did I was too young to remember. I wanted to met him, I want to find a way to fill the hole in my heart. I was difficult with my mother, she was increasingly volatile, and I ran away from home several times when she would taker her aggression out on me. I couldn't have known why, he wouldn't have told me she was sick, instead she decided to relent and sent me to met my biological dad (who I found out I had through a sister I found out about).
So off I went to a new place with new I was an outsider in a family that by rights I should have been a part of. I was 13 when this massive transition happened, and it caused no small amount of trouble for my teenage angst. I was confused, I was angry, I felt unloved, unwanted and lost. My mom sent me away with two hours to pack. No time to call anyone or write down phone numbers. No time to share with anyone what was happening. No, I just vanished and reappeared somewhere different, like a ghost.
I didn't really give my biological dad a chance, and he didn't really know how to be a dad anyway, my Stepdad was just gone, I wasn't going to hear from him, and at 15 my mom died. I felt like an orphan. My mom might have been out of her mind at times because of the cancer, but she was my constant, she was always there, and I knew she wanted the best for me. The family that had adopted me into theirs would be in and out of contact as I found and lost their phone numbers a number of times. I was even more confused, angry, unloved, unwanted, sad, and lost.
For years I thought of my stepdad as my dad and sought his approval, periodically I sought my biological dads approval, would someone, anyone approve of me. This need for validation was more unhealthy than I realized. I didn't fully process what was happening at the tender age of 15 and I don't believe I started to heal until I was in my 20's. The real healing the soul mending healing would happen in my 30's.
Shortly after turning 30 I decided to take a trip to visit the family that was so close to my mom and I. I did so with trepidation, with concern that although I kept them in my heart and mind as family they may not have done the same. It had been around 15 years. I flew in, and I met with the family, it was amazing, they didn't forget about me, even new members of the family were told about me. I wasn't an orphan all those years, someone loved me enough not to give up on me. They talked about me as if they always knew I would be there one day. It was the most loving and healing experience that I had had in the past 15 years and a stark contrast with the other families I had experienced.
Eventually my biological dad and I were able to work through our issues, and I no longer needed to seek approval because he was genuinely proud of all I had become and achieved in life. My step family would ebb and flow, with times I thought we were healing and times where I felt alienated and terrible. I did met my Grandpa, my stepdads father. He came into our lives trying to make amends for being gone so long. I can respect that, I respect someone that owns up to mistakes and has the courage to face those mistakes regardless of the potential backlash. He treated me like family, made sure I knew I was family and encouraged me not to write my step dad off, because were were family. Had it not been for Grandpa I am not sure how long I would have tried to be a part of that family. The funny thing is, it seemed he had more in common with me, he was more the black sheep just like I was. Some people didn't want to give him a chance, they didn't want to hear his side of things.
So it went on, this push and pull, until my Stepdad basically disowned me on social media because he disagreed with a decision I made regarding our family. I made the best decision I could at the time, I wouldn't change that decision and no amount of bully tactics were going to make me. I made a vow to look after some of our family members before anyone else, that became my job, and I will do what is best for them. Plenty of other professionals were involved in this decision but I became the easy target, the bad guy, because I would not do what everyone else seemed to expect me to do. What is ultimately inconsequential he showed me by not talking to me, by not talking to me and avoiding me, by his actions that I was less than he biological children, he showed me he didn't look at me equal with his other children, and sometimes I wonder if I were even equal with distant relatives. So I decided I had to let it go, I had to stop seeking his approval, who was he anyway that I should seek approval from him. He is just another flawed human like the rest of us.
I didn't know why I made terrible choices in the romance department, I didn't know on a conscious level that these things shaped me the way they did. I couldn't know why I constantly sought validation, I couldn't know why I sought love the way I did, or why I was so easily destroyed when people left. I didn't know why I would suddenly disappear from peoples lives and reappear months or years later. I couldn't know until I did the healing. I starting doing the healing in my late 20's much of the healing happened when I saw my adopted family in my 30's, and continued from that point on. It accelerated when I realized I didn't need a man in my life to be happy, when I took years by myself to love myself, and years teaching myself the only validation I need is my own.
With all this, I would like to say thank you to everyone who loves me for just being me, and to everyone out there remember the greatest thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself and the only person you need validation from is you.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Sunday, June 22, 2014
The Misadventures of the Mae's
As it turns out Miss. Mae was single and running through life with great speed, she worked multiple jobs and went to school, one might think she would be in school forever. Her passion for learning was equally matched with her passion for the creative arts. She was ready to keep running at warp speed, flitting around wherever her whims would taker her when she had free time. Until that day.
One day while sitting in her cubicle at her new programming job she received a phone call. It was a life changing phone call. There was a bit of chaos when sorting out the flood of calls associated with this one, but the end result was the same, she was to take in her neice and her nephew. She didn't hesitate once she knew they were in danger of being placed with strangers, of course she would take them. She didn't stop to think it all the way through, after all, what was there to think about, the children should not be strangers.
Her family, knowing her for the bachelorette that she was, viewed this move with judgement. While no one else could or would take the children they were very quick to judge just what kind of parental figure she would make. Miss Mae knew better than them, she had been a child without a father, and at one point lost her mother, having been raised by two fathers at various points in her life and being fatherless at some points she had a unique perspective. Having at some point been raised by a step father who later had his own kids she also knew the dangers of raising children as though they are not yours, she could still remember the hurt she felt when he would take her sisters but leave her behind in the separation from her mum.
No. Raising them as anything but her beloved children would not do, she could not raise them with one foot in and one foot out. She decided she would raise them and love them as if they were her own. She never said a bad word about their mother, and spoke only truth about the father, and made sure every night they knew how much they were loved. Every night she tucked them in she would say "You know I love you, no matter what, even if I am mad, or sad, or happy I always love you." Of course after a time the children would have I love you more wars with her and she would laugh and say it's just not possible.
Miss Mae was under no delusions, she knew this was not going to be easy, Mr. Sunshine her nephew and Miss. Rose her niece each came custom with their own issues they would need help with. Society came with a new set of rules than when Miss Mae was raised, and thus the misadventures of the Mae's began.
***************************************************************************
Now taking over parenting of children is not as simple as making a decision, emergency court sessions had to happen and emergency paperwork to get the children in school was necessary. So Miss Mae was fortunate and unfortunate all at once.
The school year was just about to start so the children could start this year at a new school and not change mid year, but there was only one week to get the children enrolled once she obtained the proper court seal of approval. The children would be going to two different schools within the same school system so that meant she needed appointments at each school to get them enrolled and she needed them as soon as possible.
Miss Mae was in luck she was able to get into one school early in the morning, and the other school that afternoon! She quickly rounded up the papers she needed and got the children dressed and hurried them into the car. Breakfast would have to wait, everything would have to wait until they were properly registered for school. Mr. Sunshine was up first, they went to his new school filled out all of the paperwork, submitted all of the papers and promptly received a list of dates they would be expected to return for various events. It was too late to get into any type of orientation, school started the next week.
As it got later Miss Mae's stomach growled in protest, and Miss Rose must have had the same issue! Miss Rose protested the entire way to the car, "But I don't want to go to school! I'm hungry" she wailed.
Miss Mae looked down at her and said "I know honey, but we simply have to get you registered for school first, I promise after we are all done we can all go to the Donut Shop." She felt bad for the child, if she was hungry she knew they would be too.
Miss Rose stomped her feet and wailed some more "But I am starving!"
Miss Mae looked down once again and replied "I know sweetheart but don't you want to go to school and get super smart and take over the world!?" A reply that she was particularly proud of and thought was rather clever, for a moment.
Miss Rose pulled on Miss Mae's hand urging her to stop and retorted with as much attitude as any 7 year old can muster "NO! Someone else is going to take care of me when I am older!" the remainder of that sentence was unspoken but anyone who knew how she had grown up could finish that statement, there were people in her life that did not take care of themselves, that always seemed to get what they want by doing the minimum, and there was always someone gullible or naive enough to take care of them, but Miss Mae would not speak of these things.
Miss Mae did indeed stop, she stopped dead in her tracks, she looked at this small child and said "Not in my house!" Came the stern reply. "You can not rely on other people to take care of you once you are a grown up, nor should you, nor should you want to! School is very important! Being able to take care of yourself is very important!" Miss Mae could feel the fire stirring within, it was a great injustice that could be done here if she allowed this girl to think this way. Miss Rose was full of potential, she was independent for her age, smart and could become someone of great importance someday, if she applied herself. Allowing her to believe the right path was with someone taking care of her would rob the world of a potential unknown, but it would still rob the world nonetheless.
So began the journey to educate Miss Rose at age 7 and Mr. Sunshine at age 8 and Miss Mae at age 33.
****************************************************************
Miss Mae had to think quick, who would watch the kids? What work schedule was best? Ideally working from home would be best for the children since they were used to having someone home, she was skilled at web development and programming, surely there had to be something. Finally she settled on an idea, there was a friend of hers who did work form home, and he was always overworked, perhaps she could get in there. The idea seemed like a win-win. Her friend would get an alleviated work load, and Miss Mae would learn more about a programming language from college all while working from home. As it turns out his company did hire her! She had some mixed feeling about leaving her current employ, after all they had so many perks and her boss was an absolute dear! If she didn't have the children and child care to consider she would have absolutely stayed. But alas, she did not have that luxury. So she put in her notice and tucked away her fear and moved forward.
Miss Mae did not have a clue what she was getting herself in to with this new company. She thought the CEO a nice fellow, her friend a good mentor and the company in general to be of a helpful sort. In the first few months her head swam, her anxiety sky rocketed, and her health deteriorated. She was one massive ball of stress. She wasn't getting through the material as fast as she thought she would, her mentor was inundated with work and everything was built by him for his work style. She was constantly afraid of losing her job because the company was in such turmoil. Her stress levels lowered her immune system which lead to her catching almost everything the kids were subjected to at school.
Finally, one day the CEO called and cut the cord, they were too small to have a learning position, and in financial difficulty so they had to eliminate her position. She hung up before she cried on the phone, sobbing she sent a message asking if she should complete the project she was already nearly done with. He told her to take the next few weeks to find something else. She called her friend who said he was sick to his stomach over the situation. She was lost. She had never lost a job before, never been laid off unexpectedly, and now she had a house and two kids to support!
She could have went back to any of her former employment, but she didn't want to jump into a job she might dislike. No, her days of working someplace that was so stressful she was wracked with pain were done. She would find something she could enjoy and continue to finish her Master Degree. She had one option at this moment.....unemployment....she hated the sound of it, she hated relying on anything than her own hard work, but she was burnt and not ready to jump into anything, so she swallowed her pride and resigned herself to being a single parent unemployed.
*********************************************
One day while sitting in her cubicle at her new programming job she received a phone call. It was a life changing phone call. There was a bit of chaos when sorting out the flood of calls associated with this one, but the end result was the same, she was to take in her neice and her nephew. She didn't hesitate once she knew they were in danger of being placed with strangers, of course she would take them. She didn't stop to think it all the way through, after all, what was there to think about, the children should not be strangers.
Her family, knowing her for the bachelorette that she was, viewed this move with judgement. While no one else could or would take the children they were very quick to judge just what kind of parental figure she would make. Miss Mae knew better than them, she had been a child without a father, and at one point lost her mother, having been raised by two fathers at various points in her life and being fatherless at some points she had a unique perspective. Having at some point been raised by a step father who later had his own kids she also knew the dangers of raising children as though they are not yours, she could still remember the hurt she felt when he would take her sisters but leave her behind in the separation from her mum.
No. Raising them as anything but her beloved children would not do, she could not raise them with one foot in and one foot out. She decided she would raise them and love them as if they were her own. She never said a bad word about their mother, and spoke only truth about the father, and made sure every night they knew how much they were loved. Every night she tucked them in she would say "You know I love you, no matter what, even if I am mad, or sad, or happy I always love you." Of course after a time the children would have I love you more wars with her and she would laugh and say it's just not possible.
Miss Mae was under no delusions, she knew this was not going to be easy, Mr. Sunshine her nephew and Miss. Rose her niece each came custom with their own issues they would need help with. Society came with a new set of rules than when Miss Mae was raised, and thus the misadventures of the Mae's began.
***************************************************************************
Now taking over parenting of children is not as simple as making a decision, emergency court sessions had to happen and emergency paperwork to get the children in school was necessary. So Miss Mae was fortunate and unfortunate all at once.
The school year was just about to start so the children could start this year at a new school and not change mid year, but there was only one week to get the children enrolled once she obtained the proper court seal of approval. The children would be going to two different schools within the same school system so that meant she needed appointments at each school to get them enrolled and she needed them as soon as possible.
Miss Mae was in luck she was able to get into one school early in the morning, and the other school that afternoon! She quickly rounded up the papers she needed and got the children dressed and hurried them into the car. Breakfast would have to wait, everything would have to wait until they were properly registered for school. Mr. Sunshine was up first, they went to his new school filled out all of the paperwork, submitted all of the papers and promptly received a list of dates they would be expected to return for various events. It was too late to get into any type of orientation, school started the next week.
As it got later Miss Mae's stomach growled in protest, and Miss Rose must have had the same issue! Miss Rose protested the entire way to the car, "But I don't want to go to school! I'm hungry" she wailed.
Miss Mae looked down at her and said "I know honey, but we simply have to get you registered for school first, I promise after we are all done we can all go to the Donut Shop." She felt bad for the child, if she was hungry she knew they would be too.
Miss Rose stomped her feet and wailed some more "But I am starving!"
Miss Mae looked down once again and replied "I know sweetheart but don't you want to go to school and get super smart and take over the world!?" A reply that she was particularly proud of and thought was rather clever, for a moment.
Miss Rose pulled on Miss Mae's hand urging her to stop and retorted with as much attitude as any 7 year old can muster "NO! Someone else is going to take care of me when I am older!" the remainder of that sentence was unspoken but anyone who knew how she had grown up could finish that statement, there were people in her life that did not take care of themselves, that always seemed to get what they want by doing the minimum, and there was always someone gullible or naive enough to take care of them, but Miss Mae would not speak of these things.
Miss Mae did indeed stop, she stopped dead in her tracks, she looked at this small child and said "Not in my house!" Came the stern reply. "You can not rely on other people to take care of you once you are a grown up, nor should you, nor should you want to! School is very important! Being able to take care of yourself is very important!" Miss Mae could feel the fire stirring within, it was a great injustice that could be done here if she allowed this girl to think this way. Miss Rose was full of potential, she was independent for her age, smart and could become someone of great importance someday, if she applied herself. Allowing her to believe the right path was with someone taking care of her would rob the world of a potential unknown, but it would still rob the world nonetheless.
So began the journey to educate Miss Rose at age 7 and Mr. Sunshine at age 8 and Miss Mae at age 33.
****************************************************************
Miss Mae had to think quick, who would watch the kids? What work schedule was best? Ideally working from home would be best for the children since they were used to having someone home, she was skilled at web development and programming, surely there had to be something. Finally she settled on an idea, there was a friend of hers who did work form home, and he was always overworked, perhaps she could get in there. The idea seemed like a win-win. Her friend would get an alleviated work load, and Miss Mae would learn more about a programming language from college all while working from home. As it turns out his company did hire her! She had some mixed feeling about leaving her current employ, after all they had so many perks and her boss was an absolute dear! If she didn't have the children and child care to consider she would have absolutely stayed. But alas, she did not have that luxury. So she put in her notice and tucked away her fear and moved forward.
Miss Mae did not have a clue what she was getting herself in to with this new company. She thought the CEO a nice fellow, her friend a good mentor and the company in general to be of a helpful sort. In the first few months her head swam, her anxiety sky rocketed, and her health deteriorated. She was one massive ball of stress. She wasn't getting through the material as fast as she thought she would, her mentor was inundated with work and everything was built by him for his work style. She was constantly afraid of losing her job because the company was in such turmoil. Her stress levels lowered her immune system which lead to her catching almost everything the kids were subjected to at school.
Finally, one day the CEO called and cut the cord, they were too small to have a learning position, and in financial difficulty so they had to eliminate her position. She hung up before she cried on the phone, sobbing she sent a message asking if she should complete the project she was already nearly done with. He told her to take the next few weeks to find something else. She called her friend who said he was sick to his stomach over the situation. She was lost. She had never lost a job before, never been laid off unexpectedly, and now she had a house and two kids to support!
She could have went back to any of her former employment, but she didn't want to jump into a job she might dislike. No, her days of working someplace that was so stressful she was wracked with pain were done. She would find something she could enjoy and continue to finish her Master Degree. She had one option at this moment.....unemployment....she hated the sound of it, she hated relying on anything than her own hard work, but she was burnt and not ready to jump into anything, so she swallowed her pride and resigned herself to being a single parent unemployed.
*********************************************
Monday, November 25, 2013
Who Am I
Ask anyone who they are and you will most likely receive a different answer for each person. Some people identify themselves with their work title, others with their ethnicity, some their family role, and many others have no answer at all. I believe this question is often answered based on the assumed context. For example, if you walk in a retail store, go up to the manager and say "who are you" they will most likely say I am the manager. See, they answer in context. But why? What if they didn't? What if you walked up to that same manager asked the same question and received a rather long description, would you be put out, or annoyed, I mean after all you didn't really care if they were an aspiring painter, you just wanted a manager. That, is part of the problem.
See we don't want depth, we want speed, instant gratification and even our manners have declined to the point that we barely mask out disinterest when someone is speaking to us. Online, however, we are different creatures, we still want everything instantly but we will troll through passages and sometimes blogs the size of books to find something interesting, something we identify with, something we like. Who knows maybe that manager at the retail store had an interesting story but it's more likely in today's day and age that someone will read it rather than wish to hear it from that person. It is a shame really, when you consider the possibility of misreading something that would certainly be very clear if you were to say it in person, but I digress.
Let's get back to the question at hand, who am I? Well, I suspect you will find out much more about me by following me through this cyber place we have nested into if you, but let me attempt to answer this nonetheless. I wrote a paper once at the behest of my instructor during the very early years of my college education where I went through the many things that I am and I concluded finally that I am me. Simple isn't it, sure I have an ethnic background, so do you, I have likes and hobbies as you do, I have a name just like you, I have lived through trauma just like you, I have emotions just like you, but I am not you, obviously you are you, and I am me. I am an eclectic mix, eccentric, passionate, and compassionate. I love almost all things artistic. I am a writer, a dancer, a musician, a singer/songwriter, an aunt, a mom, a sister, a cousin, a daughter, a friend, I am these and so much more, but these are parts of me, not one defines my entire essence, no I am afraid there is no simple way to answer the question Who Am I? Instead you will read my writing and judge(without judgement of course) for yourself who you think I am. I would love to hear your thought on who you are, perhaps you will comment with them.
See we don't want depth, we want speed, instant gratification and even our manners have declined to the point that we barely mask out disinterest when someone is speaking to us. Online, however, we are different creatures, we still want everything instantly but we will troll through passages and sometimes blogs the size of books to find something interesting, something we identify with, something we like. Who knows maybe that manager at the retail store had an interesting story but it's more likely in today's day and age that someone will read it rather than wish to hear it from that person. It is a shame really, when you consider the possibility of misreading something that would certainly be very clear if you were to say it in person, but I digress.
Let's get back to the question at hand, who am I? Well, I suspect you will find out much more about me by following me through this cyber place we have nested into if you, but let me attempt to answer this nonetheless. I wrote a paper once at the behest of my instructor during the very early years of my college education where I went through the many things that I am and I concluded finally that I am me. Simple isn't it, sure I have an ethnic background, so do you, I have likes and hobbies as you do, I have a name just like you, I have lived through trauma just like you, I have emotions just like you, but I am not you, obviously you are you, and I am me. I am an eclectic mix, eccentric, passionate, and compassionate. I love almost all things artistic. I am a writer, a dancer, a musician, a singer/songwriter, an aunt, a mom, a sister, a cousin, a daughter, a friend, I am these and so much more, but these are parts of me, not one defines my entire essence, no I am afraid there is no simple way to answer the question Who Am I? Instead you will read my writing and judge(without judgement of course) for yourself who you think I am. I would love to hear your thought on who you are, perhaps you will comment with them.
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